Nicole vs. Life
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
