Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
