its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
