Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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