Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
