the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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