I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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