I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize