Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
God I need to hump something, right now.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
