then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
