I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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