Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
