Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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