I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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