The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You are a genius and a whore.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
