Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
