Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
