Got a toothbrush?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Randomize
