I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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