I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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