I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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