I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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