I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I cannot find my penis.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize