im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
