If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
