She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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