we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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