so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
