just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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