I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Dicks are not precious.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
