I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
