question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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