I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
