my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
