My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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