it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
