he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Welp...herpes.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
