he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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