if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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