Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What a dumb baby whore.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
