I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
