Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
It's blow job season.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
