I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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