Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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