no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
