My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
