Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
