i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
