Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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