Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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