It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
