Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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