eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
