New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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