Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
