whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
