I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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