Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
