sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
