I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
