The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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