I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
