I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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