That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
